


Got Me Fucked Up

by SnorkleShit



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: (mostly), Angst, Arguements, Ezekiel's POV, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, Flyzake - Freeform, Insecurity, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Secret Relationship, Self-Doubt, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 17:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7276612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnorkleShit/pseuds/SnorkleShit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ezekiel starts to doubt his relationship with Flynn and Jake. They're having none of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Got Me Fucked Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alottlehomo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alottlehomo/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Just Fuck Me Up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7248097) by [alottlehomo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alottlehomo/pseuds/alottlehomo). 



> THERE SHOULD BE MORE FANFICTION OF FANFICTION OKAY

If Ezekiel could have anything in the world, well, a year or two ago he’d probably have asked for more worlds to explore. Maybe to go back in time and be a pirate. Hell, he’d probably try and ask for the whole limitless wish thing. That’s just the kinda guy he was.

These days, he had more worlds to explore, he had more adventure and more to see and steal and know than he could ever have imagined. And beyond that, he had the chance to do good, to make up for the blood trailing behind him like a shadow. He had love in his heart for the first time, and as terrifying as that was, it was also exhilarating. A whole new kind of rush, in more ways than one. Yes, he had more to his name today than he’d be able to steal in a lifetime. He had a home (not that he’d admit it), a family (not that he’d admit it), and a purpose other than stealing for stealing sake (he’d _die_ before he admitted that). 

These days, if Ezekiel Jones was offered anything in the world, he’d ask for peace of mind. He had a lot of doubt plaguing him (another fact he’d take to the grave) long before he’d come to the Library, but it seemed to triple and quadruple as he tried to find some way to fit in here without compromising the identity he’d worked so hard for. The identity he’d worked so hard to maintain, not to lose, the lifestyle he’d worked so hard to build and keep. He was Ezekiel Jones! His confidence was his most attractive feature.

Just when he’d started to hold his ground as the bad guy on the good team, that damned video loop and the stupid dream spell in Sicily had thrown a wrench in his plans. Suddenly, everyone thought he had even more of a heart of gold than they had before. They thought he was a _hero_. A _good guy_. 

And by god, as the flashes of blood and glitches began to resurface in his head one by one, he started to believe them. Started to hope, started to let himself want what he had forbidden himself. But it was hard. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks, when it came to the heart. 

And then Jake and Flynn’s gazes had softened when directed at him, because now they saw more than deft fingers and negative space and a swashbuckling smile. They saw a badge of light and they saw an endless expanse of deafening oblivion he had given himself up to with a smile. And he had very mixed feelings about that - then again, he had very mixed feelings about everything.

Suddenly, those softened gazes started to linger. Before he knew it, they started to linger on him. He didn't dare hope they felt how he did, but to his surprise, they did. At least. They said they did. As their relationship moved on (in the shadows - explaining this to the others would be worse than facing a thousand angry dragons) Ezekiel began to place some faith in it. It was real, and evolving. It was intense and unsure, and it was everything he’d never had before. 

Still, part of him deep down was skeptical. Untrusting. Disbelieving. There was no way they could really love him. There was no way any of these people could really love him.

But they did, they said they did, they acted like they did. Why would they lie? 

That part of him whispered constantly that he was nothing, that he was always going to be nobody, an empty person trying to get by on a gimmick. That part whispered, as he lay between Jake and Flynn at night, that soon they would realize he was hollow and worthless, and they wouldn't want him anymore. They'd try to change him, try to make him strong, and morally perfect, try to fill him up with right and wrong and the law, try to make him into what he wasn't, something acceptable. Just like his father. Just like everyone. Everyone either wanted to change him, or leave him.

And perhaps that was what they would do. Leave, dump him, and then they'd have each other. They were perfect for each other, the way their eyes lit up and their souls poured out of them like rays of light, the love and excitement and passion they just couldn't seem to keep contained. The perfect moral standpoint, do the right thing, always the right thing. 

That part of him worried, in the back of his mind, that they only wanted him around to fuck him, to have fun and enjoy one of the only things he was good at. He doubted that was true, knowing what good guys they were, but the reality of the situation couldn't help but present itself.

As terrified as he was of all of this, he couldn't bring himself to distance himself, he couldn't stand to pretend like he didn't care. And maybe if all they wanted was a good fuck, well, he’d do his best to give it to them. Maybe make it last as long as possible. He knew that was just his dumb insecurities talking. But, things were the way they were.

As things went on, his feelings got deeper and scarier. He knew that if that little voice was right, he’d be ruined by it.

And then he had almost lost them, they'd almost died, and God, the reality of their job settled in on him. He could lose them at any time, and now they were so close, how would he be able to stand it? It terrified him into desperation.

And then he had - he has been so _weak_. He had been a desperate, emotional mess, and they knew it. And then he had _begged_. He had never begged before in his life. Well, excluding the video game loop. But for the sake of sanity, Ezekiel had mentally separated his mind into two compartments - the loop, and the real world. He kept a door shut on the eternity at the back of his mind, for fear of overloading himself. But the more memories that pushed against his mind, the more unstable he felt, the harder it was to concentrate on what was real and what wasn't. 

As far as the real world went, Ezekiel Jones didn't _beg_. Especially not like that, how pathetic. And they had found it funny, entertaining, even, and Ezekiel thinking back on it felt his skin crawl. The closer he got to them, the more exposed he felt. How could he have begged like that? How could he be so at their mercy? Shame boiled in him, brewing with the rest of the turmoil in the back of his mind.

For the next few days he struggled with it, and did his best to avoid them both without seeming like he was avoiding them. Which was easy, since their relationship was a secret, so if he spent all his time around the others, it gave him the breathing room of their casual pretense. As the next few days went by, he did a good job of avoiding any of the alone time he usually cherished with his secret significant others. They noticed right away, when he started to avoid them, despite his attempts to not make it obvious.

Finally, they managed to corner him alone.

“Is something wrong?” Jake asked, as they followed Ezekiel down the hall.

“No, but I've got some research to do, so-” He started to say, but Flynn cut him off

“Something is wrong, I can tell. I mean, something's been wrong for a while, and I think I know what it is, but I haven't said anything.” Flynn announced. Ezekiel huffed, pointedly starting to walk a little faster, not bothering to look back at them.

“Yeah, and how would you know that?” Ezekiel scoffed.

“You get this look sometimes, it's very obvious to even other people, for one thing. And you’ve been avoiding us, your left eye twitches every time you feel threatened, you never stay the night at either of our houses even though we’ve been doing this for months, and when you do fall asleep around us you have nightmares you don't talk about, you rub your ring finger and and thumb together at a rapid pace when you’re nervous, you eat double cheese pizza when you’re feeling insecure and you eat sausage and olive when you’re feeling confident, you wear two shirts and even a jacket when you’re unhappy and you feel unsafe, even if it's hot, you wear less layers when you’re comfortable, you haven't worn less than three layers in weeks and you’ve eaten double cheese pizza four times this week, your voice raises by -” Flynn rapidly began to list, causing Ezekiel to stop and turn to stare at him. 

“Okay, we get it, man.” Jake cut Flynn off, able to tell how uncomfortable it probably made Ezekiel, to be known so well. 

Flynn snapped his mouth shut, sharing a glance with Jake, as Ezekiel stared at both of them. 

“My eye twitches?” Ezekiel asked after a moment, trying to process this information, this revelation that not only was someone paying enough attention to him to notice these things, but also to pay enough attention to speculate as to _why_. 

“Yeah. And you crack your knuckles when you’re bored.” Jake said, earning a nod from Flynn.

“You open and close your right hand when you’re thinking about that video game loop thing, and you get that look I was talking about.” Flynn said, a bit softer, grimacing. This caused both Jake and Ezekiel’s heads to whip towards him. Ezekiel’s heart skipped a beat in dread.

“What do you mean? He doesn't remember the video game.” Jake asked. Flynn looked at him, and then back at Ezekiel, beginning to fidget in place as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Well, I wasn't there, but based off of what Eve and Jake have told me-”

“What did they tell you? Do you talk about me behind my back?” Ezekiel demanded.

“Of course we do, that's what people who care about each other do!” Jake replied. Ezekiel frowned further. 

“Based on what they told me, well, I talked to Cassandra -” Flynn carried on. Ezekiel threw his hands in the air. 

“Oh, great.” 

“-And it makes more sense to me if the shock of the reboot rearranged the file system.” Flynn finished, shrugging with a sad look at his youngest lover. Ezekiel screwed up his face, crossing his arms, and was even more angered to feel his eye twitch. Flashes of memories flooded behind his eyelids, and he shook his head to try and shake them away, while denying any understanding of what Flynn was saying. 

“That's not how people work-” Ezekiel started to say.

“Brains are just biological computers, Jones. In the situation I hear about, it sounds like it would be more likely that it just took a while your brain to process the information.” Flynn explained.

Ezekiel felt panic bubble under his skin, and began to think of ways to salvage this situation.

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding us? Is that's what's wrong? Ezekiel, I can't imagine how hard that must be, and I know I've been a jerk about a lot of stuff but you can trust us, we can help.” Jake said earnestly. He stepped forward, reaching out to cup Ezekiel’s face. His face was as sincere as all the love letters ever written.

“We _want_ to help. You don't have to be alone.” He said intensely. A moment of weakness came at the warmth against his skin and the intimacy between their hearts. Ezekiel felt his resolve buckle and suddenly all he wanted was to fall into them, be close to them, wrapped up in them and not the world. He let his eyes flutter closed, leaning into Jake’s touch, crossed arms slackening and falling at his sides. 

Flynn moved close to them, reaching to brush a hand over Ezekiel's hip as he craned to kiss him. He pressed a soft kiss in his hair, and then to the crest of his cheekbone. He kissed softly down his jaw and neck, causing Ezekiel’s face to heat up and his body to relax even more, as the turmoil in his mind fell away. Only their touches remained. 

Jake took Ezekiel’s right hand in his own, and pulled it up to kiss it just as softly. His soft lips brushed over Ezekiel’s knuckles, the back of his hand, before turning over to kiss the pads of his fingers and all over his palm. 

“We should take this to a more private area,” Ezekiel said, slightly breathless. Suddenly all he could think of was having them inside him again, wrapped up between their warmth and their love that was so hard to believe. 

“Aren't you gonna say please?” Flynn hummed in his ear, in a content, amused tone. The warmth turned cold, and Ezekiel froze up again, eyes snapping open. They both noticed the tension, and pulled away in concern.

It took Flynn just one moment to look at his eyes, at his expression, for him to understand.

“There's nothing wrong with that.” Flynn told him. Jake frowned in confusion, looking between them. He had yet to catch on. Ezekiel took half a step back. 

“I'm Ezekiel Jones. I don't beg.” He muttered, looking away. Jake’s eyes widened in realization. 

“That's - are you ashamed?” Jake asked, slightly blown away by the idea.

“I never said that! I mean - maybe - not just of that - “ Ezekiel seemed to stumble over his own words. 

“Are you ashamed of us?” Flynn asked, a slight hint of historical reverberance in his tone.

“Aren't you ashamed of _me_?” Ezekiel asked, voice rising dangerously close to cracking. God, talk about pathetic. 

“Why would we be?” Jake asked. Ezekiel gave him a look as if that was the stupidest question he’d ever heard. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? You know why!” Ezekiel exclaimed, his right hand balling into a fist. Flynn pursed his lips, and Jake’s face screwed up in remorse. 

“Ezekiel, I'll admit, we didn't get off in the best foot-” Flynn started to say.

“People’s opinions change the more they get to know someone!” Jake said defensively. 

“But you _don’t know me_!” Ezekiel exclaimed louder. 

“Yes we do.” Flynn protested. Ezekiel spun on him. 

“Noticing my ticks and my eating habits doesn’t mean you know me!” Ezekiel exclaimed, tears pricking his eyes. He turned his back on them, heart ripping in half as he refused himself their warmth and their impossible _“love”_. He stalked away, and they were too confused and afraid to follow.


End file.
